my motherhood "journey"

TW: cancer

My intial experience of becoming a mom was farily routine. I gave birth to my son Dylan after an induction. Everything was fine and my labor was uneventful. It was what happened in the coming months that changed the course of my life.

On February 4th, 2020 at 2:40pm, my son Dylan entered this realm. In March, the world shut down from a Global Pandemic. 

I remember sitting in my one bedroom apartment those early, cold days, glued to the television like every other New Yorker. My husband works in the auto business and continued to work throughout the pandemic. Most days were spent like any other newborn phase- a combination of eating, feeding, sleeping and repeat.

Later in March we became stir crazy so we headed out east to a family summer home in Southamton. The rooms were icy cold since it's not winterized. The mornings were spent bundled up, Dylan wrapped in blankets and hats. Our days spent washing any produce we bought from the farmers market up the street and watching news conferences. 

I remember feeling off during those months but I mean, who didn't. Throw in a pandemic coupled with postpartum and anyone would feel weird. But this was different. 

I lost my baby weight so fast, I had an odd sort of dry cough which wasn't covid. I was having night sweats but those are so common after childbirth I didn't think too much of it. Nobody was worried. 

Until we became worried.

An area of my thigh where I thought I had gotten an injury had suddenly grown. It was a rock hard, painless lump. I decided to call a specialist at an orthopedic hospital and we met via face time. He encouraged me to go in for an MRI- a terrifying prospect given the world climate- going into a hospital at all, but a few weeks later I did.

The news was unexpected and had me shaking to the core- a tumor was the diagnosis. Unsure what type or if it was even cancerous I headed to Memorial Sloan Kettering where I received more tests and scans and a formal diagnosis of soft tissue sarcoma. A rare type of cancer I had never heard of but now know too much about. 

Sarcomas account for less than 5 percent of cancer diagnosis and most happen to children or young adults. They are deadly, sneaky, treatment resistant fu*kers. 

I fortunately was able to have it fully removed and then underwent 5 painstakingly long rounds of cytotoxic chemo, 3 full 8 hour days per round. I followed up with 33 rounds of radiation to the area where my tumor once was.

To have cancer at all, sucks. To face your own mortality so soon after bringing the love of your life into the world- is a complete nightmare. I won't sugar coat it.

Cancer robbed me of things. Of time, of self love. Of peace of mind. 

But I do try to focus on the gifts that I have following this experience.

I am more aware of my time and acutely aware of how precious good health is. I put myself out there more. I go for it and don't hold back on my emotions. I say yes all the time. I try my best to get the most I can out of each day even if it's while working a job. I am more present with my son and family. 

I started this business and have invested finances into it which I was always too scared to do. I never felt like my ideas were good enough to back up with money and inventory.

So here it is. My story, my brand, my life. 

I hope this inspires you to go after whatever it is that lights you up.

For me, it's my family and creating beautiful things. It's connecting to others.

Thanks for listening and being here.

Xo

Alex